I read something yesterday that made me barf in my mouth a little. I can't remember where cause I probably blocked it out from the trauma. Some celeb said something cute about how she didn't have to give up any part of themselves to become a mother because being a parent gave her so much fulfillment or some phooey like that.

I am sorry ladies and gents.

You are absolutely going to have to give up parts of yourself. If you think you don't, you are lying to yourself.

Things I parted with:

Hair dye.

Alcohol and Smoking.

Going to the bar, live music, movies 3-5 nights a week.

My baby blue VW Golf Cabriolet.

My super cute 1 bedroom apartment, my super sweet 2 bedroom apartment, our rad 3 bedroom apartment above the workshop…it goes on.

I gave up my womb for 30+ months.

The shape I had known my body to be whole life was never the same after pregnancy #1 (ended in miscarriage) and continues to change day in and day out.

My sharp, ticking, critical thinking mind checked out in 2009 and has yet to make a full and complete reappearance.

I gave up my academic and musical career (Yet to be determined…)

Why does it make me barf in my mouth? Because it is an unrealistic, romanticized version of what motherhood is. Motherhood is hard. VERY HARD. It’s hard when they are in your womb and even harder when they are out. Yes, there are rewards, little mini glimpses of joy that those without children may not experience. Does the fulfillment received from motherhood outweigh the difficulty? The answer should be an emphatic yes, although many times it is hard to feel it or see it that way. Parenting is a long game-not just a “we made it through newborn years, toddler years, teen years, etc.” I have been keeping 3 tiny humans alive in the world for just over 10 years. Add in that mix a “modern” woman, worked since she was 13,one that has provided for herself, has 2 university degrees, enjoyed living alone, was independent before motherhood, and you get a very complex situation. I cannot marry the past me with the current one. Fulfillment does not change that.

Maybe I’m writing a little bit angry and frustrated today. It is December after all, the race to the finish line, the glory of holidays, the baking of things, the parties, the gifts, the teachers to remember. Don’t take this little spit of fire as me being ungrateful. I am grateful. I’m just trying to sort out the middle bit, the place where my inspiration and the laundry meet.

Where is that place? When a 3/3 kids get sick and your routine gets messed up and your toddler stops napping for a week? You become a different version of yourself. Every day, sorting it out, wondering who will come forward today?

Hopefully the girl working towards her music career.