I’m not sure how I have lived so long being in so much fear. In speaking with a friend last night and describing what the medication feels like, it’s so freeing to finally be rid of the thought traffic jam I would constantly encounter during my daily activities. When you deal with chronic and debilitating anxiety, you have a broken compass and are unable to tell the difference between truly dangerous situations and ones that merely involve small risks.

I think, in my anxiety, I have both feared and resisted success. I blamed my “non-pop” vibe or my “not torchy” look. I avoided booking corporate gigs. I didn’t ask for enough money. It wasn’t until I started applying for grants and awards did I realize their existence in my path. (MY SUCCESS IS MY OWN) These obstacles have guided my decision-making processes and have overshadowed even my mini-successes with ultimate failures. (NOTHING WRONG WITH FAILURE MIND YOU) I think it’s also why I use to get major crashes after performances. My psyche figured, “well that’s the last time anyone will ask you to do that” and I would be so depressed after being so high on experience.

When I read Elizabeth Gilbert’s BIG MAGIC, I was confronted with the idea of what success actually meant. Did it mean riches? Did it mean fame? Using the framework from Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert, how to measure success as a creative person becomes more a measure of the dedication one has to their particular craft rather than more traditional ideas of success such as money or fame. This framework asks me to find space in each day that pushes me closer to the center my being, which is that of a musician. Using this framework has been a revelation to me, for it gives me, the artist, a sense of control, and also a way to dissuade negative feelings of disappointment and jealousy. This is especially useful to me as a mother of 3, as I find it difficult to carve out time and maintain momentum in my career trajectory. If I measure success by what I can deliver to my craft as opposed to what my craft can deliver to me has changed my outlook on my life as a musician for the better. That said, devotion still gives us no guarantees, we must still hone our skills, develop our grit and network to get out and meet the right people. In essence, saying yes to myself, whether I want to or not.

Now, with the medication(see previous post) in my toolbox, I can use fear as a compass rather than a reason to run away. It leads me towards new and exciting opportunities, ways to grow and hone my craft, ways to be more myself. And, now that I can move forward this way, I am working on the idea of the law of attraction.

“All suffering is caused by non-acceptance of what is. It may be a thought, a feeling, an emotion or a situation. You suffer when you want things to be different from how they are. What you resist persists.”

This is a huge sentence. And so true. I wanted so badly to somehow go back and change how we started a family, gigs I said no to, things I turned down all because I was afraid. I resisted my life. Once Simone came into the picture, I was forced to look inward to decide what it was going to be. I knew I couldn’t continue not fulfilling my life goals and dreams, and I knew I had to stop resisting family life. With the help of a couple of good friends and mentors, I am now sitting on some of the most beautiful, sincere, fulfilling music I have ever made.

I know it seems impossible. Many people ask how I do it. How do I have 3 kids and still manage to make music? It’s a mindset. I am a musician. I am a mother. Somedays I am more a mother than anything else. Other days, I am completely immersed in music. It’s a teeter-totter.