Here I am, coming to you from my bed on my final day of isolation. These past ten days have been a strange, bittersweet, torturous, rollercoaster kind of days. My COVID experience has been nothing compared to some, and I am extremely grateful for that. However, tomorrow when I rejoin my family, that will be the real test of how well I am faring. This past week I have felt weak, had severe pain in my legs, knee joints and hips that NSAIDS couldn’t touch, dizziness, black flecked mucous (which scared me beyond belief) huge appetite and then waning appetite, and sore eyes. My chest gets sore at night, and then I get a little scared that I am going to get worse.

The emotional symptoms were more difficult to treat. The evening I received my positive test result, I was having a fun evening in my room with my family, watching a live stream and eating snacks. I had been obsessively checking my online health records because I was sure they would be negative. I had already missed two days of unpaid work, and I wanted to get back. I was certain, because we’d had a confirmed case of the common cold going around at the facility and why wouldn’t that be it? Everything changed in the moment I saw the screen that said I was positive.

My first thought was, WHAT HAVE I DONE??? I immediately started to think about every resident that I had come into contact over the past week. Each one that I have guided back to a room or chair or helped to calm down. Every resident that touched me. Did I bring this in to their home? Then, I realized I had family contacts also that I could have infected. Like dominos, I could see them all falling around me. I had let my guard down somewhere, and I was to blame.

Guilt is not a new feeling for me. I have felt guilty most of this time in my room because I know just how hard it is to raise and be around 3 children 24/7 that are not allowed to go outside, that are getting on each other’s nerves, that are worried about their parents. I know the kind of tired you feel when your partner or loved one is sick. My husband has been more gracious than I could ever be, and I am so thankful for the lessons he is teaching me about being the S.A.H parent.

But WHY with the guilt already? My boss reminded me of this: it’s not your fault you got COVID. It’s a highly infectious virus, which is why we’re in the shit boat of a pandemic. “It’s not like you’re out there licking railings!” It wasn’t until I started feeling worse that I realized that it wasn’t me. I didn’t DO this. And, I think it’s because I’m a tad narcissistic. Why wouldn’t I be? COVID has rocked our boat like the boat might not make a comeback. Each member of my little family unit has been undone by this. My husband’s business is barely breathing, my passion and livelihood (that keeps coming across obstacles, but we’ll get to that later” is on life support, my kids are doing their best but I know how much they miss their friends and routine. I’m learning this new job that I am so grateful for, but that is so very difficult. And last night, listening to SIGUR ROS, walking down a serious memory lane, and all I could think about was this:

I JUST WANT TO MAKE MUSIC. Since I was a girl, it’s all I’ve ever really wanted. To be in communion with other people, having the experience of harmony, dissonance, collaboration. I had the opportunity so many times in my life to do it. I moved to Vancouver to do it, but I was too much of a chicken to take really big risks and get my name out there. I was in a successful touring band, but let myself get pregnant and told myself I couldn’t do both. I let myself get in the way so many times, thinking it was outside forces trying to keep me down. (Thanks Satan)

But, what do I do when an actual pandemic comes around? And it comes right to your doorstep? I am tired of the “what ifs”. I am tired of letting the obstacles take over my drive to make art. I am just tired. But, this week also gave me a gift. One week of uninterrupted work time. I spent the week catching up on emails from the PR campaign, writing and perfecting my FACTOR Juried Sound Recording, sleeping whenever I wanted to, not because I had a minute to do it. I forced myself to not think about the kids missing me, my husband needing me, the virus that needed to be eradicated from the house.

I want to think of this as a gift. I want the “big pause” to be the silver lining I’ve been waiting for. This has been made now abundantly clear, that no matter what gets thrown our way as a family, to me personally, I am a musician. Hear me roar.

You will be hearing more from me.