2021

Does anyone else judge the way a year is going to go by how much you enjoy writing it out? So far, I’ve been loving the way the 1 follows the 2. When writing 2020, it became so tedious and dissatisfying. Too many zeros, too many soft edges.

When I look back at the way 2020 started out, I was not in a good place. Burnt out, fed up, frustrated, scared. I was reading books like, “Why We Can’t Sleep,” “How to Stop Hating Yourself,” “Counting for Nothing,” as I was desperate to seek understanding and justification as to why I was not finding fulfillment in motherhood, and why I needed to pursue music. Shouldn’t it be enough to just be a mother? Last January I had enough and started down the path of radical change with medication, purposeful choices and real focus and sacrifice for my passion.

On March 13, 2020 we were given another gift. The rug was pulled out from under us and we were able to see where we really were, as a society, community, family, as a couple, as parents, as our truest SELVES. I know this all comes from a place of privilege, because even though we lost it all, we have never gone without. We still have the roof over our head, a furnace pumping out heat, food in our fridge, and a bed to rest our heads in. We had friends who popped by with home-cooked meals, gift cards, notes of encouragement, and when I got sick, our sense of community grew stronger and stronger. We are still feeling so loved, and we have seen what is the most important.

It’s been many months since March, and I can see from many folks who I have chatted with or things I have read on the web, that many are choosing to see what gifts they were given during this incredibly challenging year. While my purpose changed in the latter half of the year, and I was less and less able to put any energy towards the musical side of me, when I think about my purpose and why I love music, I can see how my “day” job has fulfilled the purpose that I had perceived to be lacking due to the shutdown. But, there was something else, another gift. Getting COVID.

While I was in Isolation, I discovered a community called The Isolation Journals, led by author Suleika Jaouad. What you may not know about me, is that when I was about 18, I started journaling feverishly. It started with the discovery of the black hard-covered notebooks that you can buy in the university bookstore, and I started to write. I wrote about heartbreak, I wrote about nothing. But, I most always carried it with me, and I have so many memories in those pages. In 2007 when I suffered my first miscarriage, the writing stopped. I no longer had any way of finding the words to talk about what was happening to me. I was in a good marriage, and that seemed to be enough of a reflection to stop needing the inner process. I’ve tried off and on to get back into it, using The Artist’s Way, Big Magic, buying books on songwriting. What was missing from all these methods however, was how to tune into the parts of me that loved writing. The Isolation Journals showed me I didn’t write to be more creative, for the process itself was how I was shown myself, reflecting on myself and my purpose-which I realize now is to share myself with others.

MY PURPOSE IS TO SHARE MYSELF WITH OTHERS…

While music allows me to do that, so does the work I do at Mayfair Care Centre. I share myself with them, and they are willing to receive, just as I do when I am singing. It’s also why I have had no desire to do any online preforming, for it’s a directionless transaction in so many ways. The trinity of audience, artist and music is lost for me in online performing. What drives me is the collaboration, the experience of making music for others, not just myself, that’s just the type of creative I am.

And so, when I think about the question, “am I living with purpose? ” I can answer yes. 2021 may bring me back to the stage, but I am in no hurry. I will leave the online forum up to the those who find peace by doing it, who find fulfillment by providing you with the music we all need to get by. For myself, I am giving what I have to the audience I have.