Shame on me. Shame on me that it has taken over a month to write again. Isn’t it ridiculous that I feel shame because of my need for a break?

It’s not that I have nothing to say, but I most definitely had pushed this to the back of my mind. Between kid birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, laundry, my work contract and more laundry, and then thrown in summer break, I didn’t have much in the backburner to take a moment to pause and connect. But, this summer I received an email which told me “Your project was recommended but there is not enough funding to go around.”

So, here I am, trying to embark on releasing this album, wallowing in my sadness, wondering what I could have done to make my package better, more appealing, more worthy. And now I wonder how will I fund the rest of this? I’m not working outside the home right now, and while there are a few gigs, they don’t necessarily pay the bills. In May, while scrolling, I recall seeing that Jane Sibbery had to crowdfund to make a recording. JANE SIBERRY. I mean if Jane Siberry has to crowd fund, what hope do the rest of us have?

How do we make these dreams come true? I am the one who pushes it aside when things get hard, but how do you muster up grit when the mud keeps getting slung at your soul. And, what if your own brain is slinging that mud?

The only answer I can think of is to return to the center. I am sitting at my little sunroom desk, trying to seek out some inspiration to corral all these negative thoughts and get back to it. I will likely have to take on some debt to release this beauty into the world, and this is the first time we are doing it with such uncertainty in front of us. The pandemic has seeded some deep fears about the loss of control, and it’s hard to take a risk right now without feeling like I will be swallowed whole by it. How do you keep this at bay? I ask with sincere wishes to know and conquer it. How do you quiet the mind that is against you? (Of note, I recently stopped taking my anti-anxiety medication, and am working hard to get through the withdrawal process)

I know some of you might say a higher power, prayer, meditation. It has been very difficult for me to return, to trust in the power of myth and scripture to bring me to the centre. My garden has given some of that to me, and the little bouquets that I can put together make me feel good. But I know that I am not yet living well. Maybe tomorrow.