HOW DOES IT CHANGE YOU:PART 2

“I’d be interested to know how you integrated this new understanding of yourself in practical ways. Like, what did you do differently? I’m also interested in this idea of the tightrope of being an attached mother while claiming, or reclaiming, one’s self.”

My friend Johanna, \\strong//mother of 4, asked me this question in response to my previous post. So, I asked her if I could respond in the next post-well, here it is!

I am not sure I could say this new understanding of myself gets integrated on a daily basis. It’s little things such as when I introduce myself to people and they inevitably ask me what I do, I purposefully try to say “vocalist” as close as possible to the word “mother” when the words leave my mouth. I never ever say “just a stay at home mom”, because first of all JUST doesn’t cover the real work behind the household doors, and secondly I am proud to be at home with my kids and consider it a luxury. I am not “just” anything. My core being has always been a singer, just ask my 3 siblings who endured long car rides with me rarely being quiet. It has taken me 20 years to claim that I don’t have to be anything other than who I am.

Practical ways:

I got myself some new business cards, started applying for grants, renewing my voice lessons, got new promotional photos, a Bandcamp site, regularly updating my website, contacting promoters and applying for other opportunities like residencies etc. I work a little for myself every day except Mondays. Mondays (and the odd Tuesday) are a complete house overhaul day (laundry, baking, cleaning, groceries) I don’t try to do these things every day of the week because then I am emotionally depleted by how much being caregiver and homemaker take from me. We have a specific style of food that we cook k each day of the week, variations on pasta, tacos, stews, vegetarian, pizza. This has been a real time saver, allowing me for more time for myself during the week.

I also have been working on a complete wardrobe overhaul. I am keeping pieces that I love, even if they don't fit, for my girls and for posterity. Things I have worn in band photos, things I remember having good times in. To the jeans that don’t fit the same after baby #3, too bad. To the things I spent money on, there will be other deals. I have to stop expecting myself to be exactly the same as I was at 29. It. Is. Not. Possible. Nor do I want to be that 29 year old. Take that pile of clothes (undergarments included!)to a consignment store and have at her! Or, donate to good will, which feels even better.

My husband and I had also set a goal in the new year that we would do less for our kids. We both have the desire to have more independent children, even if it hurts. (After a most recent trip to Toronto where I flew solo for 4 days, I had to hold back tears that my kids weren’t more devastated I was gone or more excited that I was home…) If they are independent from us, it allows them the freedom to explore, but also knowing that we are nearby should they falter, or need help. I always try to get them to try first and that I am there to help if necessary. This fostering of independence also allows for more emotional space and thus allows my mind to focus on my own needs as well as the kids.

Examples:

-getting their own water bottle for school, packing their backpacks, making sure they have their library books, homework, home reading etc…

-making their own breakfast (instant oatmeal, fried egg, toast, waffles, fruit.)

-setting their beds and cleaning their rooms. (Sometimes I do a deep clean, but for the most part they do these chores)

-clearing the table, taking out compost/garbage, sweeping

If you are a mother or father trying to reclaim yourself-finding out what you like, or who you want to be outside of parenting can be quite complicated. We cannot hold on to who we were before children, or we suffocate ourselves with old ideals, shedding skin and changing body structure (wink wink, sag sag) Even without children, gigging is exhausting-staying up late, after working a full day at home is a feat I am proud to say I do. Make sure to cut yourself some slack the next day, tuck in for extra cuddles, or pull that pizza out of the freezer. Your kids don’t care.

Today I read this quote:

“Each time we have a child, I become a different version of myself.”

And that my loves is the battle won. It's who we are today that matters.