KEEPING ALL YOUR DUCKS IN A ROW

Oh geez.

Just in case you think, hey this girl has it all together…

Nope.

How do you keep all your ducks in a row in such an uncertain and chaotic environment???

For as long as I can remember, I have been anxious. However, when I was a child, you weren’t described as having anxiety, but that you had an “over-active imagination” or you were “sensitive” or you lacked “self-control.” The anxiety was sometimes crippling, as in, major insomniac for a large part of my childhood to the point where my dentist father brought home nitrous in an effort to help me get sleep. For the most part, I was able to “function” as they say now, without it really affecting my grades, my friendships, my social life and my family life. In fact, I had quite a well rounded child hood; I was sporty, arty, theatrical and a pretty decent student. It wasn’t until I was pregnant for the first time that it reared it’s ugly head in such a way that changed me forever. That first pregnancy ended in miscarriage, and started me down a path of uncertainty about so many things in my life.

Up to that point, I never thought about being a mother. I mean, I guess I assumed I would eventually be a mother, but it was not on my high list of priorities. I was a touring musician, I was a Master’s student, I was in a new relationship with a man that would eventually become my husband. The miscarriage was the first time that I felt like a true failure. That all the thoughts I had about not wanting to be pregnant made it come true, and that my body rejected that pregnancy. Those failure thoughts are what have followed me throughout motherhood.

Failure to not yell, failure to not have patience, failure to take them to nine million activities, failure to be able to watch them on the playground without panic, failure to go to play centres, failure to do crafts with them, failure to watch my two year old climb up and down the stairs, failure to let them bake and cook with me, failure to be kind to my partner. So many failures piled up like a dump site. And when my oldest daughter started showing signs of anxiety disorder, that was my ultimate failure.

I have lived 10 years now with debilitating anxiety. It kept me from truly pursuing my career, it has kept me from having an enjoyable family life, it trapped me in a pattern of fright/flight for so long that I started to get ill when getting massages and other treatments. My anxiety was recently pushed to the maximum and I fell apart. After being tired of crying each time I went to visit my Dr. I decided to start on anti-anxiety meds.

And that, my friends, is how my ducks are starting to line up in a row. FOR SO LONG, I felt as though this was all my fault. After a few days on the medication, after a few days of feeling CALM, of being able to process each thought as it came to me, I could finally breathe easy and realize that it was not my fault. I had an addiction, a learned pattern of thinking/reacting/behaving that was seemingly unbreakable. And, it was incredibly difficult to make that decision to take the first pill. I worried what my family and friends would think. I worried how I would get off the medication once I started. I felt guilty about needing this to go forward with my life. Since I started, I feel none of that any longer. I went to the science centre with my 3 kids without exploding!

I can now go into the re-recording session with a sense of calm and clarity that I’ve never had. I can’t wait.

xx

Ps. Want to talk about your experiences with meds? please send me a message! or post in the comments. Like miscarriage, it’s something that needs to be out in the open.