INTERVIEW: ELIZABETH SHEPHERD
Photo by: RICHARD LAM
I can’t remember exactly how I was introduced to Elizabeth Shepherd’s work. I believe it was on a CBC playlist a number of years ago, back when I had 1 child and she was in preschool and I still had the brainpower to listen to new music ;0
The song that made me gravitate to her was her arrangement of Lonely House, originally written by Kurt Weill and Langston Hughes from the American Opera Street Scene. Her voice was haunting and anchored me to a time I couldn’t identify. I immediately looked her up and much to my dismay discovered she was a superhuman who had just recorded and released an album with a newborn in tow. I didn’t understand how she could do it and truthfully, she was the first artist that made me think maybe I could do it too.
She has gracefully agreed to answer my inaugural MOTHER/MUSIC/HOOD questionnaire, and I am pleased to share her thoughtful responses with you today.
MOTHER/MUSIC/HOOD:
AGE OF CAREER?
17 years
AGE OF CHILDREN?
3 and 8 years old
WHAT DOES A TYPICAL WORKDAY LOOK LIKE?
There's no structure; I'm just scrambling to squeeze in work (emails, learning tunes, writing music and lyrics, booking tours, writing grants) during naps and/or after my kids go to bed, or else on the weekends when my parents take the kids for a sleepover. During crunch time (i.e. lead up to a tour or a recording session...), I ask my partner to watch the kids for a chunk of time so I can work, then I reciprocate as needed (he also works from home, and our 3-year-old isn’t in daycare - yet). I go on tour roughly 3 months of the year, which is (in all honesty) like a vacation by comparison to the daily reality of having 2 young kids. So even though touring is grueling in its own right, I find I have heaps of time to myself on the road, which I take advantage of to be creative / get caught up on work and occasionally do something for myself (why hello, gym!)
WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE TO MAKE IT EASIER? MORE PRODUCTIVE?
Childcare needs to change; my 3-year old is starting daycare this week which will be a game-changer. But truthfully, in a deeper sense, I feel like what really has to change is being/feeling ok with failing on a regular basis. There's some unwritten (self-imposed?) standard of motherhood and artistry that I just am daily failing to meet and it's excruciating. At the same time, I feel like I've never been busier, so the solution surely can't be to just "do more". I think the solution is something like letting go and being ok with just getting by for awhile. But there another thing that I find is motherhood's dirty little secret: how to not make my kids my only priority, all the time. Their needs almost always trump mine, and I can feel huge amounts of guilt for taking time to myself (for work, or even more rarely,for leisure) - a worry my husband doesn’t seem to have (and I don’t say that critically; men *generally seem better equipped to forge ahead and do what they have to, even if it means the kids come second for awhile.) Also, there's the constant dance of unpaid, unsexy household work which weighs on me and my time tremendously - and yet I’m married to a progressive stay-at-home Swedish dad, so I feel like I can't really complain...
WHAT DOES YOUR KID(S) THINK OF YOUR ARTISTRY? *
They have internalized it as a legit career that they really love to emulate - their favourite game is pretending to do shows (all the time) - which makes me incredibly proud. But they also sometimes resent my career - like the fact that family vacations are usually built into tours, so there's always a little bit of work and a little bit of play, when I think what they really want is my undivided attention and no work functions. But all in all, my kids love music, so I feel like I’ve shared some of the joy of what drew me in. And I'd like to think that in seeing me pursue a passion that I love, and getting lost in something that brings me tremendous joy, they will (in due course) feel the freedom to do the same.
HOW DOES MOTHERHOOD INFORM YOUR ARTISTRY?
It has changed everything. I don’t even know where to begin... who would I be without being a mother? Creativity (for me) has two big sources: empathy and tension. Motherhood has amplified my empathy for everyone; I see the child in everyone, and feel with the heart of a mother towards humanity. And has placed me in a state of constant tension: I resent my kids’ constant demands on my time and the endless obligations, yet I feel completely lost and without purpose without them.
WHAT IS THE MOST DIFFICULT THING THAT HAS CHANGED SINCE HAVING A FAMILY? WHAT IS THE MOST SURPRISING?
The most difficult thing is modifying my expectations. There’s just no time, but I still somehow think that there will miraculously be a shrapnel of time for me. Also, while I’ve become great at multi-tasking, I feel that I’ve lost touch with what it’s like to have those long, unstructured periods of solitude and silence (which are both so essential to creation). In fact I’m not sure if they’re ever coming back, and so I wonder if my output will change indefinitely as a result (will I become less probing, have less depth??). Yet ... ironically and surprisingly, I feel like my best work has been since becoming a mother. I'd like to think there's a gift that comes with relinquishing in life - the gift of unexpected mercies? There's also this paradox of feeling both creatively full and depleted (or too tired to act on it) that comes with motherhood.
WHAT DOES YOUR PARTNER DO? HOW DO THEY CONTRIBUTE TO YOUR WELL BEING, SUCCESS, ARTISTRY?
He does management consulting for musicians and runs an Etsy shop (so he also works from home). He’s a great dad, and by watching the kids full time when I tour, it makes it possible for me to be on the road 3 months of the year. He’s encouraging but I also wonder if on some unarticulated level (between you, me, and everyone who reads this), he resents me touring - it's exhausting caring for 2 young kids and a dog (with 8 puppies) and keeping the household afloat. I'd resent him too if he took off for weeks at a time... but we owe it to each other. Our life is a series of incredibly complex, ever-changing logistics that result in an ongoing negotiation and jockeying for time. And the stress of money of being 2 self-employed artists weighs heavily on us. It works until it doesn't, then we check in and see who needs what and move on from there.
ANY ADVICE FOR A NEW MOM?
Lower your expectations - with everything. Be kind and patient with yourself. Remember that in life, it's all about long haul. So don’t lose sight of what you love (outside of your kids) and find a way to do it, even if it feels futile, like tokenism, and is painfully slow. Moms - for both themselves and for their kids - need something outside of motherhood to fuel their souls.
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Elizabeth is up for Vocal Jazz Album of the Year for her project titled MONTRÉAL at the Junos this weekend in Saskatoon, so let’s cross our fingers for this hard-working artist/mother/human and celebrate her successes. Take a listen to her feminist anthem below <3
Lyrics here