HOW AM I NOT MYSELF? Thoughts on Algorithm and Creativity

“Dear Everybody,

I am not sure where to start. It feels like I’ve taken a thousand steps away and towards my centre in the past 20 months I’ve never felt more like a stranger to myself.

I know I’m not alone. But in these times, the energy it takes to secure myself to the anchor of who I thought I was is deeply devastating. I want nothing but to sing and to do nothing about it at the same time, like I could just walk away because I am too tired but also like I am giving up.

Even the act of writing about it is difficult. I worry so much that I am forgotten, that you have all moved on and left me behind in this twilight zone life I am living. I miss music and yet it’s too painful to go back. “

I wrote this first part, In March of 2021. Not entirely different than last week’s feelings.

Thankfully, I am starting to come around the bend with renewed energy and a sense of purpose about who I am. In conversation with a dear friend, and collaborator, I realized that there were two groups to the musicians' experience of the shutdown.

The first half- to madly create. There are some folks in my circle that went on to present prolifically from their living rooms-or wherever they could freely present material. Some even created massive, award winning movements (I’m looking at you Curbside Concerts! and BJP!) The second half—those of us whose musical well comes from collaboration— shut down.

I have always relied on collaboration, perhaps to a fault, because I do not play an instrument, that is, an instrument that is not part of my body…and for me, the thought of trying to produce anything on my own felt like folly, felt so fake. What this unearths is the imposter syndrome that so many musicians have.(For myself, it was as though people were going to realize that I wasn’t a professional musician.) It is impossible for us to not compare ourselves to what we see out there, and as I was doom-scrolling relentlessly, I went in further and further into the feeling that I wasn’t a “real” musician. What makes this feeling cut even deeper is the algorithm that we must live up to as a modern musician. If we disappear off social media we lose our place in the mix-you’ll often see posts “for the algorithm” with a random photo just to stay relevant. And what do we show the people who follow us? The wonderful existence of being an artist? We show them the minute details that don’t give the whole picture to the audience, for why should we burden them with such things? Everything we do must be marketable, must be consistent, must be on brand.

Let me unpack this a little further for you: when applying for an UNNAMED federally funded grant (possibly other grants, but this is just an example), you must prove to them your online presence with the number of followers, social media plans, etc…and those followers count towards whether or not your music is worthy of funding. All of this ties up the value of the artist to their profitability rather than their significance. This modern artist is a far cry from what brought them to their craft in the first place. The vessel for the muse of Creativity must also be promoter, marketer, manager and banker, video maker and editor.

It is difficult to unpack all the feelings I have experienced over the past 2 years, some entirely new to me. What I know is that I must abandon the person that the modern music industry wants in order to be the Artist that I am. But not only am I an artist for I am a mother, wife, sister, daughter and friend. I must engage those parts of myself all the while that I am exploring the inner most being of the creator in me. For truly, are we not drawn more immediately to those who are completely themselves?

Further Reading by a Visual Artist and Former Algorithm Participant.