MOTHERING

This is my 11th Mother’s day. My oldest daughter was born the week after, in a delivery that was a long, drawn out affair. I remember that Mother’s day, full of joy, anticipation, excitement. We spent it with my family, and I had a last surge of energy, having baked cookies for all the Mothers.

We didn’t know we were having a girl. We didn’t know anything really, having decided to not take any birthing or parenting courses. This baby was to be the fulfillment of two previous losses, a path that I was not sure about, but that had chosen me.

I think I have said before that we didn’t plan out our family. My oldest came at a time in which my trajectory had finally been clear. I was touring with Woodpigeon, finishing up my M.A and thinking about my PHD. Then she came and everything changed. I could only see one role, one way of being for so long. I was so afraid of failing at motherhood, that I failed her. I failed to be my fullsome self, complete with the balancing act of defeating fear to exist in my own way.

Motherhood is a complex thing. You can’t decide when you will be a mother, your body decides that for you. And, it’s impossible to understand how you will feel after the baby comes-the body makes it hard to see clearly and feel even. I think that working outside the home has allowed me to finally see my children for who they are, pieces in a perfect plan, love made whole, unbridled joy.

To all the women in my life who have been there for my kids when I can’t be, thank you. Thank you for helping me fulfill a role that is too big for one person. On this day, I thank Jennifer, Jenny, Flora, Caryn, Ananda and Laura. I thank Wendy, Zelda, Stephanie. To my village-Emily, Karen, Jill, Beth, Courtney, Sarah, Rachel, Vanessa, Cheryl, Maya, and Claire.

I thank you too MOM. You’ve brought us through these past 11 years with such truth and grace.

May you all find peaceful moments today.