Stepping into Power — Aimee-Jo Benoit

Hi All.

Do you believe in signs? And not KFC’s open sign, but the ones that are seemingly placed in front of us just when we need it most?

I think I do.

A few weekends ago, I answered a phone call that I’ve been avoiding. It was an old friend reaching out from overseas, who I haven’t seen since before I was married, and who has called a few times but I never gave in to the conversation. See, I was putting her off because I didn’t possibly understand how it would ever be a good time to get into things. As well, the one time I did answer, she had clearly been imbibing and I was perplexed. Last Sunday, when I saw she had called and I missed it, I instinctively called her back, with the mindset that she needed me, so I must call her. When she didn’t pick up, I felt I had done my duty and let it go.

But then she called back. And she wanted to video call. And she was asking hard questions. All this time, I thought she was reaching out because she needed a shoulder, and all the while she was worried about me. Worried because of what she saw I was putting out on the Metaverse. I will tell you that it was very perplexing.

“One Life!” she said, “You have only one life! “

The entire time we were talking I couldn’t help but think, what am I putting out there that has her this worried about me? I mean, wasn’t I supposed to be worried about the friend calling 8 hours ahead who was tipsy when she called?

“Something happens, you cry a little bit, then you move on and make another plan”

It took me some time to realize that I actually needed to hear what she was saying. Eventually, my shoulders dropped, my heart opened and we got to talking.

A week later, I was in my local library picking up some holds when I saw this book on the shelf staring out at me:

I was immediately drawn to and nodding my head in agreement-yes to all these things! Yes I have pain, Yes I have self-loathing, Yes I am afraid! But then, I realized what mask I had on. I am a princess. At first I thought I was a victim, a martyr, a bleeding empath. I am those things, but this is not where the poison lies. The poison lies in my inner self critic that eats away at my confidence, my self-worth, the value I think I bring to the world. Here are some descriptors of the Princess:

Defaulting to helplessness and not knowing how to do things.
Terror of entering adulthood and being responsible
Purchasing attention and love through helplessness
Protecting the psyche from failure by being passive
A sense of entitlement and anger when help isn’t given.

I’ll admit that it’s been hard for me to move past the “wrongs” I feel have been committed “against” me and my family during Covid, my 3 car accidents and subsequent chronic pain issues, our CRA audit, Francesca’s hospitalization and I have been deep in victim hood. Add the funding fails and me falling behind my release schedule and you’ve got a real Eeyore moment building. But what I realize is that I have been confusing helplessness with value.

Instinctually, I wanted to apologize to my readers.

I want MOTHER/MUSIC/HOOD to be a place where you can come and find something relatable, something you can see yourself in, not get stuck with me looking in the pond and never seeing the swan that could be my reflection. Should I apologize? Probably not.

In reality, I probably need this more than you do. I need it so much that I put it off and hide it and make like it’s not an important thing that I do. But I can’t process what is happening inside me if I don’t externalize. So, this is me, externalizing these thoughts of dread, uncertainty, confusion, wonder and chaos with you.

And so, my dear ones, thank you for joining me in this space. May we bring light to each other’s darkness and hold space for those that need it.

And to my friend, if you’re reading, danke schön.
xo

AJ