MOTHERS, ARE YOU TIRED?

Let’s talk about the indefatigable anxiety monster who sits on our shoulders at all times. You know the one, that bag that comes out of nowhere on a good day and sends you into a spiral when you watch your kid climb the monkey bars? The one that sees your new outfit and asks you if you can pull it off? the one who makes that rainbow pregnancy hard to enjoy because you’re constantly worried about your body not holding on to it? The one who makes the worst of the world seem to be the only thing there is? I find her exhausting. She is also the one that makes it hard to find the words you try so hard to get out.

Anne Lamott described it best in her retelling of a rolling black out in California where she resides.

“ The bad voice inside me cried, “What if, What if?” What if the power stays off, or this happens every month? But the gentle voice of the mother who had cleaned between my toes said, “What is? What is?” “What is” was food, nature, one another, what we have and what works.”

-Anne Lamott Dusk, Night, Dawn

We are tired. We are tired because we wake up with What if’s, we see them all day, we go to bed with them at night. The Pinterest and #DIY age has brought even more What if’s and turned them into not good enough, not doing enough, not being enough. The packaged granola bars and the screen time and that time you missed out on volunteering for the field trip. Coffee becomes our banana bag instead of our leisure. Our convenience filled society has us convinced that we should be able to do more with all the time we’ve been given.

But I have been blessed with perspective and time.

I think back to those early days of the pandemic and how in so many ways I was so connected to myself and to the earth. I spent a lot of time outside in my garden, listening to and reading good things, trying to stay away from the deep what if monster that was lurking in the shadows.

But then I went to work at a LTC facility and I got sick with Covid. I was the first to get sick with COVID at work, and was isolated for 3 weeks in my room. The what ifs were so strong that all I could do was distract myself from the Covid Rabbit Hole! Netflix binging, Grant writing, doom scrolling. It left me with a strong taste of What If’s in my mouth that was so hard to get rid of. And then I went to work every day in a place that sits strongly in what ifs. There is rarely anyone there saying look at the what is’. How could you when looking death in the face all day long?

I asked someone who had identified self care as the antidote to dealing with stressful classroom situations, “What is self care to you?” To which they replied “Exercise.” But I think that is actually the subcategory of the greater thing, that of communion with the Self. In communing with the Self (and not the anxiety monster), we are reminded of What is, and it doesn’t have to be exercise or yoga or a bath, it could be brushing you teeth, taking out the garbage or driving to work by yourself. They can also be called Glimmers or Little Joys, yanking out the perfect weed, a kid that brings home an empty lunch bag, cracking the ice, opening a fresh box of crayons. All those things that sometimes slow down your walk but make it all worthwhile.

A smart woman told me yesterday, “Notice her, and then tuck her behind you. Thank her for keeping you safe when you needed it, but now she can take the back seat” She calls hers “The Judge.” As for me, I think I’ll name her Athena. She’s wearing armour and is holding a spear. She’s always ready for a fight, and most of the times she pushes away the people that love her for no good reason.

I think today I’ll tell her to back down.

Get some rest Momma’s. Every day. Not just today.