NAVIGATING THROUGH THE LIGHT AND DARK OF AN ALBUM RELEASE

It’s been about 6 weeks since Horns of Hope was released into the world, and I’m exhausted. Like the first 4 weeks after a baby is born into your home, there was back pain, sleeplessness, celebrations and regrets. I slept through the night for the first time in weeks last week, and I’m just now creeping back through the mist to the normalcy of life.

It’s been quite something this time around to try and navigate the release with making sure school lunches and homework is done, pick ups from play rehearsal and playdates; in comparison to 4 years ago when all I had to do was publicize BORJONER. Because of this, I think I had a fairly unrealistic of how this would all go. I also did not have the benefit of having a label back me on the first album, and while it’s been awesome, it’s also been incredibly difficult to let go of control. When I signed on with Kodi and Steph, they said, this is a trust based process, you trust us and we’ll trust you. It didn’t really sink in until now, sitting here, realizing that I am not good at trusting. Anything. Even myself.

Case in point: I’ve received a handful of really positive reviews for Horns of Hope (HOH), that have said really nice and beautiful things about the album, some things that should blow my head up. HOH has charted in the top ten of the campus/independent national charts, been on CBC Saturday Night Jazz (our national jazz program) and yet, I’m still wringing my hands saying, this doesn’t mean anything until…or when this happens then it will be…etc…I’ve been literally glued to my phone looking at metrics to see how many plays it has had on streaming platforms. And the metrics don’t speak to what the reviews say. So, it leads to me with the request to the ether to be a serious, full time musician and artist. Not sure who I’m asking but…I’m asking.

Outsiders look at me and say, don’t be silly.

I have to remind myself what success means to me. I know i have talked about this before, and it’s good for me to go over it again for my own good. In his book The Happiness Equation, Neil Pasricha describes the “secret to success” as not one-dimensional, there is no one big S success, but that you must decide what kind of success you want, SOCIAL (critical), SELF (satisfaction), SALES (commercial) and that it’s impossible to have all three at once. In her interview with Brene Brown, Viola Davis describes the importance of significance versus success. It was these two ideas that momentarily freed me of my jail, that my lack of commerciality was holding me back from being a TRUE success.

I am not, nor have I ever been, a commercial hit. It does not fit my personality, my desires, my family life, or the version of myself I put out to the world. I’m not sure I even know how to be commercial about what I do. It’s hard work to go through these processes, and I think as artists we choose these trying experiences is because we are hoping for connection. It’s a tightrope walk, the tension felt between safety and risk, risk and reward, reward and satisfaction. So, I am an advocate for this process. Not because you will get on the radio if you’re lucky, but that you will, with any luck, get to know yourself.

xo

AJ

WE ARE HARD WIRED TO TRANSCEND