THE REAL WEIGHT OF COVID 19: PART SIX

It’s been a while, I know.

OK. So, I hit a wall.

When the shit hits the fan, I have the tendency to go into a “high-functioning” mode. Which means, I can’t stop, won’t stop until I crash, and I crashed hard. Part of my PTSD from 9-11 is screen overload. While I didn’t have social media when the towers came down, I watched the news non-stop. I don’t remember the weeks after it happened, but I remember holing up in my room with a TV that my sister-in-law had brought in. I have stopped watching the updates because it just intensifies the “groundhog day” effect. There is an aggressive sense of this not being real, but when I see folks around town, it becomes all too real and too much.

In other news, my album arrived this month. It was a very exciting moment which was then quickly extinguished by the fact that I cannot have a show this June, there is no festival season, not the experience that I planned to have. In truth, I am not sure how a tour would have worked anyhow-and I was way behind in planning due to concussion and family life. While I do see that there is a silver lining to all hard times, I am still not sure how to emotionally proceed through the next few months. I want to make this about the music and not about what I “lost.”

One thing that has gotten me through this is my kids and husband. They are constant reminders that I am needed, loved and safe. I keep them safe and they make me feel loved. An intense, forgive you for anything love. They are proud of my album, they love listening to it and it makes me feel so good. I love showing them what determination looks like in the face of adversity. It’s something I learned so late in life, and truthfully still learning.

I have no real urge to practice or write or preform. I have an “interview” tonight and while I look forward to discussion, I have found ways to get out of “performing” online. This is the most vulnerable time, more vulnerable than I have ever been and it feels like too much. My sense of performing relies so much on the collaboration that performing alone just feels too lonely and alien. Listen to Mark Limacher ‘s discussion on Performancelessness to get an idea of what this means. While the album gives me a sense of purpose, I also feel somewhat lost without my bandmates and without an audience to hold captive.

Happy Mother’s Day. I am going to go binge a little British TV to lift my spirits and soak up my mimosas.

See you soon.

xo

AJ